Riko and the Plot Bunny
by silenceia
Summary: Four bored ninja and a rabbit are stuck in a cave. Chaos ensues. Side-fic to Growing Strong and Chasing shadows, pure crack. I own nothing except the bunnies.
1. Chapter 1: The Arrival

I own nothing.

 **Chapter One: The Arrival**

Suigetsu, Haku, Chojuro and I are stuck in a cave. There's a bitch of a thunderstorm going on outside.

Ninjin is there, too, but he doesn't count.

All of us are bored. Suigetsu tried telling us a ghost story, but he sucked at it and we're all pretty hard to scare.

"I'm boooored," Ninjin whines. "It's cold. I'm hungry. Summon me a friend, you sucky summoner!"

"No," I shoot him down ruthlessly.

The little critter sniffs and turns away, loppy ears drooping in fake sadness. He wipes at his eyes.

Haku gives me a reproachful look with his sad, sad eyes.

"3, 2, 1," Suigetsu counts.

"Okay fine!" I throw my arms up. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

A puff of smoke. All of us stare.

"Uhm…" Chojuro finally utters.

"The fuck is that?" Suigetsu demands.

"Oh shit not him!" Ninjin cries.

I hide my face in my hands. "Why me?"

"How fascinating," Haku says serenely. I peer through my fingers and see Haku gently stroking the… thing. Its shape is generally that of a rabbit, but it's made of paper, and letters are travelling all over its paper fur.

"You idiot summoner!" Ninjin shouts. "You've summoned the Plot Bunny!"

* * *

 **A/N: So now it's gotten to the point that I write fanfiction for my own fanfiction. Yay. I'm such a weirdo.  
**


	2. Chapter 2: We lost one to the dark side

**Chapter Two: We lost one two the dark side**

"Uhh… Plot Bunny?" Chojuro asks.

"The fuck's that supposed to- Midget? The hell are you doing?" Suigetsu asks me.

"What does it look like, I'm slamming my head into a wall, you idiot," I answer.

"You poor thing," Haku tells the paper rabbit. "This weather cannot be good for you." He scoops it up in his arms. It rustles happily with its paper ears.

 _How is this my life?_

Ninjin bites my finger. "Get rid of him, sucky summoner!"

I pinch his ear.

"Owiiie!"

"Why," Suigetsu mutters. "Why do these things always happen around you?"

"Not always," Chojuro interjects. "There was that one time, when, uhh…"

"Yeah?" Suigetsu asks.

"Uhh…"

"Wow, thank you for your support." I roll my eyes and turn to the rabbit in Haku's arms. "Excuse me, but this really isn't the best kind of weather for you, so maybe you should return to Mount Usagi?"

The letters on the rabbits papery fur shift.

 **"NO."**

Haku cuddles the rabbit happily. "Aren't you a smart bunny, you can write!"

 **"YES."**

"It _is_ sort of cute, isn't it?" Chojuro says with a slight smile on his face.

Suigetsu and I exchange a grim look.

Chojuro has gone over to the dark side.


	3. Chapter 3: A natural reaction to rabbits

**Chapter 3: The natural reaction to rabbits**

Ninjin sneezes. He hops onto my lap where he curls up in one pathetic neon green fuzzball. "I wanna go home," he whines obnoxiously.

"No one's stopping you," I say.

Ninjin shoots up and indignantly yells: "Yes! He is!" He points at the paper rabbit.

"Okay, you lost me," I admit.

"I know why I don't have a summon," Suigetsu mutters, glaring jealously at the paper bunny which is currently being fawned over by Haku.

"Who is a smart bunny? _You_ are a smart bunny!" he coos.

 **"I AM."**

"Modest, too," I mumble. "So how is he stopping you from going home, Ninjin?" I ask with the certain knowledge that I do not want to know the answer.

Ninjin gesticulates wildly and pulls at his ears. "Plot!"

"Uhh… what?" Chojuro asks.

 **"PLOT,"**

the Plot Bunny writes on his fur.

"Fuck it, let's kill and eat them," Suigetsu growls. Ninjin shrieks and jumps into my face. Sputtering, I pry him off.

"No!" Ninjin yells. "I have a large family! Kill them instead!"

Suigetsu stares. "Not worth it," he says and turns away.

"Wow," I say. "You're so annoying even Suigetsu doesn't want to kill you."

"But what about him wanting his family dead?" Chojuro asks timidly. I give him a grim look.

"…It is a natural reaction to the rabbits."


	4. Chapter 4: Sword Confusion

**Chapter 4: Sword confusion  
**

"So what was that about Plot?" I dare to ask.

Ninjin starts to cry. "It's hopeless!"

"On second thought…" Suigetsu mutters, grabbing his sword.

Haku makes his _I'm-going-to-kill-you_ face at Suigetsu. A sense of peace comes over the cave. The kind of peace promising eternal sleep.

"I need to polish my sword!" Suigetsu yelps.

"But there are children present!" I gasp, pointing at Ninjin.

"Bitch!" Suigetsu yells at me. He turns to Haku. "Are you just going to let her-"

"Be careful your sword doesn't explode…" Haku says with a serene smile, stroking the Plot Bunny on his lap. "You know how sensitive it is to touch."

Chojuro faints. Suigetsu starts gasping for air.

I stare at Haku. "How could you possibly know that about his sword?"

He returns a blank look. "It's Shibuki. The exploding sword."

"Oh. _That_ sword."

"Hello! Attention! Crying rabbit here!" Ninjin shouts.

"Oh dear," Haku says. "Are you alright, Ninjin-kun?"

The rabbit shoots me a smug look. "Not that's how a decent summoner acts."

I pinch his ear.

"Ow! I wanna go home!" he wails.

"So go!" I snap back.

"I can't! You summoned the damn Plot Bunny!"

 **"PLOT,"**

said bunny helpfully writes on his fur.

Ninjin grabs my collar and fails at shaking me. "We're all trapped in a Plot! No one can escape! _No one_!"


	5. Chapter 5: Ninjin's memory is impressive

**Chapter 5: Ninjin's memory is impressive**

 _Previously: "We're all trapped in a Plot! No one can escape! No one!"_

* * *

"Well that doesn't sound ominous at all," I deadpan.

"But what does it mean?" Haku asks.

 **"PLOT."**

"Fucking hell, let's just kill them rabbits!" Suigetsu exclaims while trying to wake Chojuro up.

The temperature in the cave drops about ten degrees. Haku smiles serenely.

"Joking!" Suigetsu shouts.

 _Whipped,_ I think. Out loud, I say: "But Ninjin, what does that mean?"

Ninjin sobs. "We gotta fulfill a plot if we want to get rid of it!"

"My, what a _fascinating_ technique!" Haku coos to the preening Plot Bunny.

Suigetsu and I exchange grim looks. Haku has obviously lost his marbles, and Chojuro is still unconscious. It's up to us to save us.

"So what do we do?" I ask Ninjin.

"…"

We look at him.

"Shut up I'm thinking!" he yells.

"Well this could take a while," I mutter.

 **"GENRE,"**

the Plot Bunny writes.

"I remembered! Genre!" Ninjin shouts.

"Impressive," I deadpan.

"We gotta figure out our genre!" He pauses. "Oi, Stupid Summoner, what's a genre?"


	6. Chapter 6: It's troublesome being smart

_Previously:_

"We gotta figure out our genre!" Ninjin pauses. "Oi, Stupid Summoner, what's a genre?"

* * *

I drop my face in my hands. "I cannot believe this."

"You have the most interesting summons," Haku says with a hint of jealousy in his voice. Somehow, I cannot relish in it.

"So what the hell is a genre?" Suigetsu asks. I stare at him. "What?" he snaps. " _You're_ the idiot who actually reads books, you fucking nerd. And this is all your fault."

"I like books, too!" Chojuro pipes up.

"I've been known to enjoy a well-written story as well," Haku remarks.

Suigetsu throws up his arms. "I'm surrounded by assholes!"

 **"I'M A RABBIT!"**

"I'm sure he didn't mean you," Haku assures the Plot Bunny with a death glare at Suigetsu which translates to, _I will freeze your balls off if you insult a rabbit in front of me_. Suigetsu gulps in terror.

"So, genre?" he asks hastily.

I whip out a dictionary.

" _Genre_ noun, plural genres

1) a class or category of artistic endeavor having a particular form, content, technique, or the like: the genre of epic poetry; the genre of symphonic music.

2) genus; kind; sort; style.

3) Fine Arts.  
-paintings in which scenes of everyday life form the subject matter.  
-a realistic style of painting using such subject matter. "

Blank looks all around. They translate to, _I have no idea what she just said._ Sometimes, it's so troublesome being the smart one.

"I have just one question," Suigetsu finally says. "Why the hell are you carrying a dictionary around?"

"I like to be prepared."


End file.
